someone threw a dead crab at me
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
