was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
