From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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