I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
