Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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