Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
