his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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