Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
