Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
