Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
she looked like the before picture.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
