Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Randomize
