i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
