i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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