I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
