the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize