I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
