i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
