and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
