I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
