Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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