Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
