I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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