You're my little dorito
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
