Swine flu is the new snow day.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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