Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
