Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
