I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
