Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
