Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
