It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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