Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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