It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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