alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
