I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
