there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
