I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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