You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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