Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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