Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I cannot find my penis.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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