whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
