and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
