her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
