i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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