I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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