I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
