you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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