we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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