I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
