I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
