Your face is a jimmy john
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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