Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize