I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I need a burrito and a hug.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
