just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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