I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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