I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
