did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
