He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize