oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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