My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All the doctor said was why
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
