just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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