perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
