Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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